


everybody has

by honeybini



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Hurt No Comfort, Implied abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, PURE PAIN, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:47:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23934046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeybini/pseuds/honeybini
Summary: on the outside it might’ve looked like hyunjin was the perfect son. perfect marks, perfect looks, perfect athletic ability, perfect art, perfect parents. ask anyone, and that’s what they’d say.but if they bothered to look closely, past the perfectly crafted gestures, they’d see him for what he really embodied:imperfection.
Kudos: 14





	everybody has

**Author's Note:**

> before you read please be aware that this might be very triggering. please don’t read if you feel like you might be triggered.  
> TW:  
> -panic attack  
> -suicidal thoughts  
> -mentions of death  
> -abuse  
> -guilt tripping
> 
> also the title is chungha’s “everybody has” if you’d like to listen as you read.

hyunjin found his resolve slipping through his fingers, his hold on his emotions loosening as the words slapped him.

“ _why are you always causing problems? you should’ve known better. did i not raise you well enough? is that any way to behave? you should be ashamed of yourself_.”

punch after punch, strike after strike, a relentless attack. his hands were up, covering his fragile feelings, but his parents’ words slipped through the blistering cracks, making their mark permanent.

“ _what were you thinking?_ ”

it was his mother’s face as she said this that hurt the most. that face. the face of disappointment. the face of putting hyunjin on a pedestal: always expecting him to act as they dictate.

it wasn’t hard half the time, but when hyunjin was sick and tired of being someone he wasn’t, it was intolerable and he was exhausted. he was so drained that it hurt to think. to think that his parents wouldn’t support him in finding himself. to think and realize that he wasn’t perfect and if his parents ever found out the extent of his flaws he’d be a ghost of himself by the time they’d be done with him.

“ _it’s not real. give it up_.”

the words crawled into his thoughts, scraping and scratching at any rationale he might’ve grasped onto to pull him to safety.

instead, he ran before his parents could berate him more. he ran knowing that if he came back it would only be worse. he ran knowing he didn’t miss the raging hands and furious yelling, masked with gentle and plastic smiles in the presence of another— someone not familiar to the horrors of his house.

it’s how he found himself in his current predicament: isolated and vulnerable at 2 in the morning, according to his watch. he ran, shivering in his sweater, until he found himself at the neighborhood’s park.

it was quiet, not a soul in sight, and he let out a shuddering sigh of relief as his walls crashed. he made his way to his favorite tree; the only one that’d never judge him.

even if no one was there, he knew he needed to stow himself away and honestly, he preferred it that way. it always made him worry less when people weren’t around. no one to critique and nitpick and cloud his thoughts.

he climbed into his favorite spot. the branches were a little damp from yesterday’s rain, but hyunjin barely even realized. his mind betrayed him, replaying the situation over and over.

“ _is this the way i raised you? to behave like this?_ ”

a bitter laugh that wasn’t quite a laugh escaped his quivering lips. it wasn’t his fault and yet they always found a way. it was always somehow his fault. he was always wrong; they could never be capable of imperfection. yet hyunjin was their result, and he supposed that enraged them.

they couldn’t stand the fact that hyunjin was imperfect, that he struggled, that he wanted to talk about it.

“ _talk about what? it doesn’t exist. there you go making things up again._ ”

he absolutely loathed them. he loathed the fact that they held him back so much, kept him locked up to keep the perfect image. it was all they cared about.

he hated that he wished for them to care about him, at least in the slightest without any underlying motives. he hated how he always went back, returning to their practiced embraces.

“ _we do this because we love you, honey. we want you to be the best. you can be better._ ”

his hands rushed to cover his ears. shut up, shut up, shut up. but they wouldn’t; their indifferent faces would never leave him. he hated that he couldn’t let them go.

he hated that this wasn’t the first time. he hated that this was practically a routine at this point. that this was his normal. he hated how pathetic and weak he was. how stupid he was for longing, for wishing, for wanting. how stupid he was crying his eyes out in a tree at 2 in the morning. how stupid he was for thinking that things would ever change. that the cycle might evolve into something different, something that gave his closed quarters more room. something that allowed him to breathe.

but, no. this was reality. and the reality was that hyunjin was scared out of his mind and couldn’t breathe. his chest mimicked the movements, but the air wouldn’t come in and his heart pumped in his ears and his hands were still gripping at his ears roughly and his eyes were still burning and wet. the panic was relentless, tearing his fragile body apart. everytime, it hurt just a little more, but at least it made him feel the pain. he was blubbering, air barely making its way to his lungs. he was barely breathing, barely able to even care about that fact because he was numb. he was out. he was exhausted. a doll, propped up this way and that way to please others for their own purposes. living a shell of a life.

he didn’t care that he wasn’t breathing because what was he breathing for.

hyunjin hated himself. he hated that he was a coward who ran, and even more of a coward for coming back. he hated how he hid himself. he hated how he lost himself. hated how he allowed himself to be a pawn. hated how he didn’t care, didn’t have it in him to leave. he hated how he couldn’t keep anyone around. how he was invisible. he hated that he was afraid. he hated that hatred and fear was all he knew.

he hated how he constantly controlled himself, pulling the leash around his own neck tighter, but he couldn’t control the desperate breath he took.

his lungs were flooding, and he was drowning, and no one was there, and he knew no one cared, and he lost himself in the air that choked him up inside, and he didn’t care because he knew he had always been dead.

**Author's Note:**

> let’s protect hyunjin at all costs, please.
> 
> as always, thanks for reading, and i hope you enjoyed.
> 
> p.s. i have a writing/reading (AUs+books) twitter now it’s @stasungie !!


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